I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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