I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
