why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
