Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
