Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
