I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
