My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
