There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
