I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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