Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I am one with the molecules
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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