dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
