Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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