I smell stomach acid.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
