you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
you're hired as official boob wrangler
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
