i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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