We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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