Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
