last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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