Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
