Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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