Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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