He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Randomize
