i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
