Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
