I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Hippo gnu deer
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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