Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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