How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
