he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
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