god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
