At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
