I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
