Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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