what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You're like the curious george of whores
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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