thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
There's always time for handjobs
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
