First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
