I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
