how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
