Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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