i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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