I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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