I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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