$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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