I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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