New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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