in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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