Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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