so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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