Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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