I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
