I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
