At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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