Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Girls should come with a carfax report
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
