When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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