Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
